A moderate form of Jealousy

finished Wuthering Height's today, (last night really, at about 2 in the morning, then i realized how much of a fucking retard i was for staying up until i could scarcely see straight) and i absolutely loved the ending... It has a weird concept for the the characters in how they are related to the reader though... at the start you are only supposed to like two of the characters: the main narrators, as they are not surly, unwelcoming, and untrusting people. Yet by the end of it you want to approve the actions of almost all of them, and one of the two narrators i came to absolutely despise because he seems like a whiney bitch. but i think that's one of the most interesting things about this book... the characters that you think you will end up liking, or more really, pitiying in this book, end up being terrible people... i'm trying to be vague on purpose, because i really do think that the book should be read by all of the people who read this, and i don't want to ruin anything for someone who eventually does.

although... i'm still not sure what to think of Heathcliff's resolve, for i'm not convinced it's a resolution... i mean, i feel that the author wishes me to change my opinion of him, but i'm not convinced on the grounds for which this change of view should take place... Furthermore, what happens in the ending leaves his position quite up in the air, and it doesn't help that the narrator remains skeptical at the accounts in the ending... i guess it really comes down to the intentions of the characters, but that also is a wall when one debates their intentions morally.
either way, this book is a great book where you aren't supposed to like the main characters...

(fuck this is gonna be a long one, which is not what i need right now)

and while on the subject of books, i now know for sure (it was really the completion of wuthering heights that made this decision concrete) that i need to change the disposition of my protagonist in the novel i'm working on... i started off making him (the past him) hard to get at by the way of a stoney disposition, but i think i need to make the character more open and agreeable in the past... (if none of this makes sense it's because i'm ballz ass tired) the change into his present character might seem less of a stretch when i set him up different, and it will make understanding him as a whole far easier...

and since we're talking of stuff that i'm working on, might as well touch base with the stuff that i'm not working on: music.
i'm really rather built up with the desire to play something--and actually put it to track--but i'm really lacking the means and the time. moreover i've taken a bit of a break this summer, and even though i've practiced every now and then, i know i'm a bit rusty; my fingers seem slightly more retarded than usual. it could also just be my acoustic though. i've come to find that it's a difficult instrument to play: the strings are more like cables, the spacing between them seems awkward, and the action isn't quite low enough to be able to just speed along it.

(but on the subject of that bass, i had a dream last night where sean broke a hole through the side of it and i cursed him out about it... possible interpretation could be that even though i was quite content that he was here, his prescence made me delay working on things for my class, and as a result i have quite a frantic day ahead of me.)

however, i still have quite an urge to play, and i really would love to work on things with charlie (which, i think, is half the reason why i'm posting this here so that he will see it, sense my desperation, and come swooping out of the blue so that we will sail away on a rainbow cloud of dissonant noise... haha too fucking funny to resist trying a semi-gay reference. no worries charles!) even if it's some menial task such as singing background vocals (though in honesty i'd want to try a ballsy two-vocals song with him, where we each write lyrics that coincide with one anothers lines... i'm eager to sing again really, but even just having a thunderous bass line would be a definite bone thown my way... speaking candidly, i'd really like for the two of us to get together and talk about the various options we would have so we can pick the best of them) i would really love to be working on something that i know would actually get laid to track, and that i would be proud to have under my belt.

anyway... i think it's fucking shower time... and then i have about a million other things to do... and i still have yet to eat...
this day is going to rape me.